Trying to describe a crow turning into a human, does this passage work?

Comments

1. john_galt0 says:

   May 6, 2010 at 4:55 am

   you have the same problem that I’ve had for many years
2. Pirate Lady says:

   May 6, 2010 at 5:37 am

   Well, your description of it changing into a person might be all right if I could see past all of those adjectives. You said the body of the bird looked “pathetic, weak, and very insignificant.” This is very redundant and you really only need one of these descriptions (I would choose pathetic). You do this many times in this passage. Go through your work and take away some of the adjectives, and for god’s sake, don’t use a “deadly sea” as a simile for anything, its incredibly trite.
3. Amanda Ann says:

   May 6, 2010 at 6:02 am

   The feathers of its night black wings began to ruffle out, giving the bird a rippling effect, much like heavy waves on a deadly sea. They then started to grow, the feathers becoming massive, and the wings now of gigantic proportion, making the body of the crow look

   [Pathetic, weak and very insignificant.]

   <<

   Vincente took a step back, looking from the ring to the crow, with an expression of disbelief on his pale face. The crow, now with enormous wings, [cawed] at Vincente.

   <<

   Vincente’s right eyebrow dropped to reveal a half frowning, half inquisitive face. He lowered his eyes to the ring – it now had an odd, warming glow. The crow jumped down from the skip lid, landing on the damp concrete floor. It shed all of its feathers, apart from that of its wings, and its bald head and body began to grow, distorting and convulsing until it was of Vincente’s (hight,) <<< Spelling Mistake

   [When two long arms shot out of its sides, along with the features forming on its face and body.]
   <<

   Additional Details

   3 minutes ago
   Before Vincente stood a tall, spindly human being with pitch black angel wings. And as Vincente could see, it was most definitely male. The angel stepped towards Vincente, his eyes deep set and dark, solemn. As he walked, black billowing robes formed around his body, along with a black quill in one hand, and a long piece of flowing parchment in the other, every inch of it filled with names in deep red lettering.

   <<<

   Try researching….

   Movies. You don’t have to use crow/human transformations, you could use “underworld” when they transform into werewolves just to give you ideas.

   Or books like anamorphors.?

   I love to write, if you ever want opinions, or advice just drop me a line, I would love to help.

   However I do like the facial expressions etc. that you wrote. Good luck
4. c l says:

   May 6, 2010 at 6:34 am

   I agree with the previous suggestion about adjectives. Over the top to me. Check punctuation and spelling as well.

   it’s night black wings began to ruffle out, giving the bird a rippling effect… it’s black wings rippled…

   using “massive” and “gigantic” to describe the feathers and wings brings to mind something far larger than a human sized being, I understand they are being compared to a regular crows, but still …

   what’s a skip? Just curious.

   until it was of Vincentes hight …. until it was Vincents height …

   when two long arms shot out of its sides, along with the features forming on its face and body. … two long arms grew from its shoulder(s) (joints) (wing roots) as a human face and body formed.

   Just suggestions, have fun. I will gladly edit and/or proofread for a tidy sum. (just kidding)
5. Roald Ellsworth says:

   May 6, 2010 at 7:10 am

   It needs editing. Instead of making choices, you tend to list (as others have pointed out) a series of words where you need one, or none. In the first line, you say “rippling effect” AND “like heavy waves,” when they both mean the same thing. What about this:

   “The feathers of its midnight wings ruffled out, like waves on the sea.”

   That way, you only use one adjective and you cut the unnecessary words. Then:

   “Soon, the wings towered over the tiny body of the crow. Vincente took a step back…”

   Sometimes less is more. Another line that feels awkward: “Vincentes right eyebrow dropped to reveal a half frowning, half inquisitive face.” It’s just too much. It sounds comical, when it probably shouldn’t be. Maybe:

   “Vincente frowned, but lingered on…” (some act might signify his inquisitiveness, like the act of staying, instead of just telling that he is inquisitive).

   I hope this gives you some ideas. I have a hard time editing my work, too– that’s why I’m on here, to get away from it for awhile.

   Good luck.
6. baronvonstrudel says:

   May 6, 2010 at 7:42 am

   My edit:

   The jet feathers began to ruffle, giving the plumage the look of heavy swells on a dark sea. It then started to grow, the feathers becoming massive, and the wings now of gigantic proportion, making the small body of the crow look pathetic; weak and insignificant under the weight of the wings. Vincente took a step back, looking from the ring to the crow, with an expression of disbelief on his pale face. The crow, now with enormous wings, cawed at Vincente. Vincentes eyebrow dropped to reveal a frowning but inquisitive face. He lowered his eyes to the ring – it now had an odd, warming glow. The crow jumped down from the skip lid, landing on the damp concrete floor. It shed the feathers left on its breast, and its bald head and body began to grow, distorting and convulsing until it was of Vincentes height. Two long arms formed, along with the humanlike features on its face and body.

   I know it’s really chopped up and different; we definitely have different writing styles, but that’s what I would do.

   edit: here’s the rest:

   Before Vincente stood a tall, spindly human being with jet black wings. It was male. The angel stepped towards Vincente, his dark eyes deeply set; solemn. As he walked, black billowing robes materialized and formed around his body. Then appeared a black quill in one hand, and a long piece of flowing parchment in the other, every inch of it covered with names in dark red lettering.