I am writing a book. Do you like the 1st chapter?
March 28, 2010 by
Filed under Bird Bath Fountain
Chapter 1
Virgina and Sarah Roldex
I am Virgina Roldex. And this is my story. I live in Hollywood California! Some people think that where I live is so cool cause its where all the celebs are. To tell you the truth, they don’t talk to you and you don’t see them walking down the street like everyone thinks…living where I am, is the same as living next to a beach.
This is my best friend Molly Gerald. Molly loves to be and play with animals. She wants to be a vet when she grows up. She lives up the street and then three blocks down and her house is the big yellow one with the bird bath and fountain in front of it. When we were little we used to think that if a bird landed in the bath they would drown so we stood by it and made sure that no bird would land in it. We wasted hours doing that. But it was fun.
About me, well…my daddy is the C.E.O. of a printing company and my mommy stays home with me and my sister. I have one sister and her name is Sarah. She is eight years old. I m glad were not that much apart other wise we would be enemies. I am eleven. So that means that we are three years apart. We usually get along pretty good. Sarah and I like to go…”Sightseeing” at least that’s what we call it. But everyone else would call it spying on the public. Which I guess is another way of looking at it but we don’t agree. Sarah got a spy kit for Christmas last year and we have been using that ever since. It came with a set of 4 walkie talkies (we use one pair during the day and we leave the other ones on all night while the others charge) and it also came with a listening device and camera and a tape recorder. Once we went to the Grand Eve Hotel without telling our mom and she freaked out. Me and Sarah were recording this guy talking to another guy. Before mom saw us walking home she had called the police and we got the policeman to listen to the recording and then there were able to catch a guy they were looking for. We got a hundred dollar reward for that. We spent it on more spy stuff.
So now you know a little bit about my life, my family, and my best friend. Lets move on to what’s happens next, shall we?
Molly was ringing the doorbell annoyingly and I got Sarah to answer it.
“Hello? What can I do for you Molly?”
“Sarah, I don’t have time to mess around. Can you get your sister quick!?”
“Ok yeah, I will grab her. VIRGINA! IT’S FOR YOU!”
“Ok, ok Sarah; do you have to let the whole world know that some one rang the doorbell? Oh hey molly! I was hoping you would come over today. I have a question for you!”
“Its gonna have to wait Virgina, can you get your mom to drive me to the hospital! My mom is sick!” “Yeah I ll go get her. Come on in.”
I like it. But whats the conecpt of your whoel story?
But i think you should change Molly’s name. It sounds like shes a dog, well cause thats my dogs name lol.
but over all i like it. its a feel good happy story.
It sounds to me like the reading level would be extremely low… (but if that’s what you want, then that’s great!)
Try not to make it sound like ‘My name is Suzy. I like the color blue. I’m re-doing my room. My sister likes pie. Her name is Rachel. She annoys me. She wants to be a musician when she grows up.’
Try something that lets the reader figure it out for herself…
‘I smeared indigo-colored paint on the wall again as I tried to redecorate my room. My sister called, “Suzy?” from behind my door as she tried unsuccessfully to knock on it. I heard a dish clatter to the ground and I pushed the door open to see a mess of pie and plate. “Rachel,” I groaned, slumping over the door, “I think we should stop buying you so much of that apple stuff.” She looked at me with a hesitant smile and wrung her hands in front of her band’s new t-shirt.’
Try to mix up your sentence structure and use stronger words! But it sounds like a pretty good start conceptually.
its alright but what age limit are you trying to connect with
are you trying to teach something(moral)?
or are you just writing a book?
I think it is a great, well-written, interesting story…if you’re 9 years old…or, if you just want the tone of your story to be from a 9-year-old’s perspective…
u gotta add something like…
” i jumped up, my hair swingning madly from side to side as i ran to the door ”
or….
” i looked at molly – with her ( blonde hair, blue eyes, slim figure etc. ) ”
its ok… but u should add descriptive things instead of just saying stuff like
” when we were little we used to think that if a bird landed in the bath they would drown so we stood by it and made sure that no bird would land in it. we wasted hours doing that. but it was fun. ”
change that sentence and add something like:
” it was tiring, standing there waiting to see if a bird would swoop down into the bird bath, or not take notice. we probably wasted hours ” Bird Patroling ” but it was fun ”
OH YA go me
I like it, but i think you could do better first of all i would like to point out the fact that this is a eleven year old they don’t talk like that in the part with the dialog.Also the mommy and daddy part take it out this is an eleven year old they stop that at that age.
its good and intresting
so were is the story going?
I’m no expert – but it looks pretty darn good to me. GOOD LUCK!
As others have said, definitely sounds like a young child’s book. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but even if it is for a very young audience you need to spice it up and make it more descriptive. It isn’t bad though, nothing a bit of re-writing and experience wouldn’t set right.